🎧 From the “Cryptid Killers & Creatures Weekly” Podcast Studio

They knew something was off the moment they walked into the basement “studio.”

There were two lava lamps.
A dozen Funko Pops of obscure monster movies.
And a mounted jackalope head wearing a trucker hat that read: “SILVER OR BUST.”

The host—who went by the moniker “Ranger Rick”—stood proudly behind a folding table with two mismatched microphones, a beat-up laptop, and a bucket of beef jerky labeled “Emergency Rations.”

“Feral Eclipse!” he declared, wearing a camo vest over a Bigfoot T-shirt, “Thank y’all for comin’. Now, which one of y’all is the actual werewolf?”

Everyone turned to Gabriel.
Who was currently sipping a triple espresso and had already stolen one of the Funko Pops.

Thane raised a clawed finger. “All right, let’s get this straight — Gabriel is the only werewolf  — in the band.”

Mark: clears throat
Thane: “In the — musical — part of the band.”
Mark: grunts approvingly

Five Minutes In: The Downward Spiral

Ranger Rick: “So, Gabriel — have you ever killed a man with your teeth?”
Gabriel (cheerful): “Not yet!”
Thane: audible facepalm

Rick leaned forward with a conspiratorial grin. “Do y’all use music as a way to lure prey? Like sirens?”

Cassie, sipping iced tea from a paper cup: “If you mean screaming lyrics about existential pain and claw marks, then… yeah, sure.”

Maya: “We mostly lure people into circle pits.”
Jonah: “And sometimes Taco Bell.”

Rick flipped through a notepad filled with hand-drawn diagrams labeled “Full Moon Rage Timetable” and “Feral Drool Ratios.”
He tapped the table. “Do y’all find silver affects sound quality?”

Thane stood up. “We’re leaving.”

Rick panicked. “No no no! Wait! We haven’t gotten to the listener Q&A!”

Q&A Section: A Disaster Wrapped in a Mic Pop Filter

Caller 1: “Can you ask the werewolf if he sheds in the van?”
Gabriel: “Absolutely. Especially after espresso.”

Caller 2: “Do the others ever feel unsafe around him?”
Cassie: “Only when he tries to DJ at 3 a.m.”
Gabriel: “You loved the Eurobeat, admit it!”

Caller 3: “If I throw beef jerky into a clearing during a full moon, will a werewolf appear?”
Mark (growling): “Only if he’s hungry and your playlist doesn’t suck.”

Caller 4: “Can I join your pack?”
Thane: “…Do you know how to coil cables without tangling them?”
Caller: “No?”
Thane: “Then no.”

Exit, Stage Weird

As the band packed up, Ranger Rick handed each of them a “Cryptid Killers” bumper sticker and a vial of something he swore was “anti-lycan essence.”

Gabriel sniffed it. “This is Mountain Dew.”

Rick: “And holy water.”

Thane muttered something about a restraining order.

As they piled back into the van, Cassie looked back at the basement stairs. “Was this the weirdest one yet?”

Maya shrugged. “Still ranks below the birthday party gig.”

Jonah held up the beef jerky. “But hey. Free snacks.”