{"id":1609,"date":"2024-07-14T01:01:30","date_gmt":"2024-07-14T06:01:30","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/threewerewolves.com\/?p=1609"},"modified":"2024-02-10T10:22:48","modified_gmt":"2024-02-10T16:22:48","slug":"meat-mayhem-and-a-wolf-sized-block-party","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/threewerewolves.com\/tourblog\/meat-mayhem-and-a-wolf-sized-block-party\/","title":{"rendered":"Meat, Mayhem, and a Wolf-Sized Block Party"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Morning didn\u2019t so much dawn on the house as crash through it.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

It began with the smell of something burning in the kitchen\u2014followed by Rico yelling, \u201cThat was intentional!\u201d and Jonah\u2019s immediate, \u201cThat was a Pop-Tart, you psycho!\u201d Maya opened the front door to grab her hoodie from the porch railing and nearly got tackled by two fans pretending to \u201cjog\u201d by with their phones aimed directly at her face. Mark sat at the breakfast table in complete silence, stirring his coffee with a claw and watching it all unfold like a man on the brink.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Emily filmed everything.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

By 10 a.m., the crowd outside had doubled. Then tripled.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Some fans had brought folding chairs. Others brought poster boards. A few had just laid down picnic blankets on the lawn like it was a goddamn music festival. The entire front yard was a slow-moving flash mob of Feral Eclipse superfans, gawking neighbors, curious passersby, and the same HOA president who now stood at the edge of the driveway holding what looked like legal documents.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Diesel stepped outside, popped a lawn chair, and began offering to sign autographs on the back of the HOA fliers.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Then came the drones.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Three at first \u2014 buzzing just above the roofline like little mechanical vultures.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Mark spotted them from the garage and growled, \u201cWe\u2019re being watched.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Gabriel came out behind him with a bowl of apples. \u201cYeah, no kidding.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWhat are you doing?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cDefending the homestead,\u201d Gabriel said, launching one of the apples skyward like a fastball.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It missed. Barely.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The drone dipped, adjusted, and kept filming.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cOh we\u2019re doing this?\u201d Maya asked, appearing with an armful of oranges. \u201cLet\u2019s do<\/em> this.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Before long, half the crew was on the lawn throwing apples, oranges, even leftover sweet potatoes at the drones. Jonah retrieved a nerf gun and duct-taped a spoon to the barrel. Cassie hurled an entire loaf of garlic bread. Mark stood off to the side muttering about inflation and how they were literally weaponizing their grocery bill.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYou owe me five bucks for every apple,\u201d he growled. \u201cFive.<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

One drone caught a banana to the rotor and crashed into the garden wolf statue by the mailbox.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The crowd cheered.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

The second was knocked out by a potato lobbed by Rico with uncanny precision.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The third escaped \u2014 but not before Emily caught the whole thing on video. She uploaded the clip with the caption:
\u201cThe wolves defend the den. #DroneWars #FruitFight\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

It had two million views in less than an hour.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

By mid-afternoon, it was clear the chaos wasn\u2019t dying down.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In fact\u2026 it had just hit the news.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A local KFOR-TV van rolled up and parked across the street. A bright-eyed field reporter and a cam op popped out and made a beeline for the lawn. The reporter cheerfully asked for an interview \u2014 while trying not to trip over someone in a Team Gabriel<\/em> hoodie crawling through the rose bushes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Gabriel leaned over to Thane. \u201cShe\u2019s cute.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cShe\u2019s live,\u201d Thane muttered. \u201cAnd this<\/em> is all being recorded.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Mark appeared behind them, holding a bag of hot dog buns and looking like he wanted to throw it at someone. \u201cWe\u2019re out of food.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Thane blinked. \u201cOut?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Mark nodded slowly. \u201cOut. No bacon. No coffee. No cereal. Someone<\/em> used the last of the milk to chase Fireball. We need to fix this.<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Thane pulled out his phone. \u201cInstacart?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cInstacart,\u201d Mark agreed solemnly.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

They built the order together: 200 burger patties. 200 buns. Every bottle of mustard and ketchup available in a five-mile radius. Relish, pickles, onions, chips, 12 family-size bags of frozen fries, two party packs of veggie burgers \u201cin case the HOA complains,\u201d and twelve giant jugs of lemonade.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Thane hit order.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Gabriel popped his head in. \u201cWhat are you guys doing?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cFood run.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Gabriel grinned like the chaos goblin he was. \u201cPERFECT.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ten minutes later, he stood on the back deck \u2014 shirtless, arms raised to the sky, and shouted:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cHEY EDMOND!! WHO WANTS A COOKOUT?!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Thane dropped his phone. Mark just howled<\/em> in disbelief.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It was too late.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The backyard was swarmed within minutes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Fans leapt the fence. Neighbors pushed through the side yard. Someone actually opened the gate like they lived<\/em> there. A dad in a Minions T-shirt offered to DJ. Two guys started assembling folding tables like they\u2019d been waiting<\/em> for this invitation their whole lives. The HOA president fainted.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Instacart driver pulled up, looked at the scene, and just texted \u201cgood luck\u201d before dropping the entire order on the curb.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

They grilled everything. Jonah flipped patties like a short-order diner demon. Rico played guitar on the patio. Maya coordinated condiment distribution. Cassie poured lemonade like a rockstar bartender. Emily livestreamed from Thane\u2019s shoulders as he tried desperately to keep the crowd from knocking over the smoker.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Mark stood on the roof with a bullhorn. \u201cNO DRINKS ON THE AIR CONDITIONING UNIT.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Gabriel, still flipping burgers shirtless, grinned and said, \u201cBest staycation ever.<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Thane finally leaned against the railing, jaw slack, as the moon rose over his absolutely ruined backyard.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThis is a nightmare.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIt\u2019s a party<\/em>,\u201d Gabriel corrected, passing him a burger. \u201cWith buns.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Thane took a bite. \u201cWe\u2019re gonna be sued.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cOnly if the internet doesn\u2019t protect us first.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And as another drone zipped overhead \u2014 this time from a local news station \u2014 they all looked up, raised their hands\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2026and gave a perfect synchronized wolf snarl for the camera.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The internet did not survive.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Morning didn\u2019t so much dawn on the house as crash through it. It began with the smell of something burning in the kitchen\u2014followed by Rico yelling, \u201cThat was intentional!\u201d and Jonah\u2019s immediate, \u201cThat was a Pop-Tart, you psycho!\u201d Maya opened the front door to grab her hoodie from the porch railing and nearly got tackled […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[2],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1609","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-tour-life"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/threewerewolves.com\/tourblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1609","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/threewerewolves.com\/tourblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/threewerewolves.com\/tourblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/threewerewolves.com\/tourblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/threewerewolves.com\/tourblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1609"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/threewerewolves.com\/tourblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1609\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3039,"href":"https:\/\/threewerewolves.com\/tourblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1609\/revisions\/3039"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/threewerewolves.com\/tourblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1609"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/threewerewolves.com\/tourblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1609"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/threewerewolves.com\/tourblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1609"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}