{"id":1992,"date":"2024-12-11T01:00:52","date_gmt":"2024-12-11T07:00:52","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/threewerewolves.com\/?p=1992"},"modified":"2024-02-10T10:22:33","modified_gmt":"2024-02-10T16:22:33","slug":"this-is-why-we-cant-have-wi-fi","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/threewerewolves.com\/tourblog\/this-is-why-we-cant-have-wi-fi\/","title":{"rendered":"This Is Why We Can\u2019t Have Wi-Fi"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

The bus was rolling smooth through flat farmland, the kind of Midwest drive where the biggest excitement was whether a cornfield had a scarecrow or not. Diesel had the windows cracked just enough to let in a breeze, classic rock low on the radio. Gabriel was trying to convince Jonah that yes<\/em>, you could cook a Hot Pocket using only a stage spotlight. Mark was pretending not to hear them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Cassie sat near the front, scrolling her phone with a look of growing alarm. Thane, halfway through sorting XLR cables for no reason other than muscle memory, noticed first.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201c…Why do you look like you just discovered the end of the world is trending?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Cassie didn\u2019t look up. \u201cDid someone post that alley jam?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Gabriel perked up instantly. \u201cWhat?! No. That was for vibes only.<\/em> Who broke the sacred \u2018no posting\u2019 rule?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWasn\u2019t us,\u201d Cassie said, now typing furiously. \u201cI think it was someone in the crowd. And now it\u2019s\u2026 viral.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cHow viral?\u201d Maya asked cautiously.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Cassie turned the phone around.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Gabriel yelped. \u201cFifty-four million<\/em> views?!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Jonah leaned over. \u201cWait, are those comments in Portuguese<\/em>?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIt\u2019s global,<\/em>\u201d Cassie groaned. \u201cThere\u2019s a fan thread on Reddit translating what you yelled during your solo into six languages. The Finnish one\u2019s probably wrong. It says you declared yourself \u2018a furry warlord of vibes.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI mean\u2026\u201d Gabriel shrugged. \u201cIt\u2019s not wrong.<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cSomeone edited a clip of you howling at the end and put it over the Avengers theme,\u201d Cassie added. \u201cIt has a quarter million likes on TikTok. Rico\u2019s trending on X under the hashtag #AlleyGod.<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Rico, half-asleep in the lounge, blinked awake. \u201cI\u2019m what<\/em> now?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cAlley God,\u201d Gabriel said helpfully. \u201cDo not resist. Accept your divine funk.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Maya scrolled on her own feed and cackled. \u201cOh my god.<\/em> There\u2019s already a shirt design. It\u2019s a drawing of you playing guitar under a halo made of broken neon signs.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Jonah grinned. \u201cI\u2019d wear that.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI\u2019d buy ten,\u201d Gabriel said. \u201cWait \u2014 Emily!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Emily, who had been quietly reading in the corner, looked up with mild horror.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cPlease tell me you didn\u2019t post that backstage photo of Mark holding three iced coffees and looking like a disappointed dad.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI didn\u2019t!\u201d she insisted.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cBecause someone did<\/em>, and it has a caption that says, \u2018when your emotional support band makes you drive through Illinois again.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Mark, sitting at the tiny dining booth with a bagel and a laptop, didn\u2019t even blink. \u201cThey\u2019re not wrong.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Cassie groaned again. \u201cWe were supposed<\/em> to be under the radar. No shows. No press. Just a quiet road trip.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Gabriel pulled out his phone and started composing a reply tweet. \u201cCounter-offer: we post a fake<\/em> tour announcement just to mess with people. Like, Feral Eclipse is now playing exclusively in Waffle Houses and abandoned Circuit City buildings.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Thane leaned over from the couch. \u201cGabriel, no.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cToo late. Already tagged Denny\u2019s.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Mark gave the smallest sigh and muttered, \u201cThis is why we can\u2019t have Wi-Fi.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

By the time they crossed into Iowa, the \u201cAlley God\u201d meme had overtaken three<\/em> different platforms, a lovingly-drawn animated short had appeared showing Gabriel headbanging on a rooftop, and someone had managed to deepfake Thane into a 1980s movie trailer called Soundcheck: Werewolf Roadie Justice.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

And somehow\u2026 none of them were even mad.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Except Mark. But he was always a little mad.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The bus was rolling smooth through flat farmland, the kind of Midwest drive where the biggest excitement was whether a cornfield had a scarecrow or not. Diesel had the windows cracked just enough to let in a breeze, classic rock low on the radio. Gabriel was trying to convince Jonah that yes, you could cook […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[2],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1992","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-tour-life"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/threewerewolves.com\/tourblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1992","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/threewerewolves.com\/tourblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/threewerewolves.com\/tourblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/threewerewolves.com\/tourblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/threewerewolves.com\/tourblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1992"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/threewerewolves.com\/tourblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1992\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2959,"href":"https:\/\/threewerewolves.com\/tourblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1992\/revisions\/2959"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/threewerewolves.com\/tourblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1992"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/threewerewolves.com\/tourblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1992"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/threewerewolves.com\/tourblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1992"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}