{"id":339,"date":"2023-06-16T01:00:45","date_gmt":"2023-06-16T06:00:45","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/threewerewolves.com\/?p=339"},"modified":"2024-02-10T10:23:14","modified_gmt":"2024-02-10T16:23:14","slug":"aliens-abductions-and-awful-plumbing","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/threewerewolves.com\/tourblog\/aliens-abductions-and-awful-plumbing\/","title":{"rendered":"Aliens, Abductions, and Awful Plumbing"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

The tour van rattled up the long, cracked driveway of the Outer Limits Lodge<\/strong>, the only available accommodations within thirty miles of the next night\u2019s Arkansas county fair gig.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The sign out front\u2014half-lit, gently buzzing\u2014read:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n

\u201cOUTER LIMITS LODGE: We Believe. AAA Discount. Weekly Rates.\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

A glowing alien face was painted over the \u201cO\u201d in Lodge<\/em>. A smaller sign underneath added:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n

\u201cFree Wi-Fi (sometimes)\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

Jonah leaned forward between the front seats. \u201cI swear to god, if a gray steps out and tries to probe me, I\u2019m leaving.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Rico was already giggling. \u201cWhat if it\u2019s hot<\/em> though?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Thane, behind the wheel, let out a deep sigh. \u201cI miss roaches. Roaches were honest.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

The lobby looked like The X-Files<\/em> threw up in a Cracker Barrel.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Alien statues\u2014plaster, resin, maybe fiberglass\u2014were scattered everywhere. One was holding a \u201cWELCOME EARTHLINGS\u201d sign. Another was dressed like Elvis.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Glow-in-the-dark stars coated the ceiling. The front desk clerk had dyed green hair, a tinfoil hat, and a name tag that read: \u201cSHARLA \u2013 NOT A CLONE.\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Gabriel loved every second of it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI want to live here forever.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Cassie deadpanned, \u201cYou\u2019d eat the hotel soap and marry the vending machine.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Maya looked around. \u201cIf I wake up with an anal probe, someone\u2019s getting dropkicked into the next dimension.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sharla handed over the keys\u2014literal, old-school brass keys attached to tiny alien heads.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cAll rooms come with a complimentary conspiracy theory,\u201d she added cheerfully.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Thane muttered, \u201cWe already live one.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

The rooms were… something<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Jonah opened his door and was immediately greeted by wallpaper covered in glowing UFOs. His bedspread had crop circles on it. The TV played only static and a VHS copy of Fire in the Sky<\/em> was left on the dresser.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Mark discovered his room had a lava lamp… filled with glittery alien heads. He didn\u2019t react. He just stood in the doorway for a full minute before turning to Gabriel and saying, \u201cI\u2019m not sleeping. Ever again.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Gabriel, meanwhile, was thriving<\/em>. His room had inflatable aliens, a hanging spaceship lamp, and a poster that said \u201cTAKE ME TO YOUR DEALER.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThis is my sanctuary,\u201d he whispered, hugging the alien lamp.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Thane, on the other hand, opened his bathroom to find:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    \n
  1. A sink with reverse hot and cold labels<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  2. A toilet that flushed upward<\/em> (somehow)<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  3. And a cockroach wearing a tiny tinfoil hat (probably unintentional)<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n\n\n\n

    He backed out slowly and went straight to Mark\u2019s room.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    \u201cYou have fog fluid left, right?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Mark nodded. \u201cWhy?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    \u201cWe\u2019re sterilizing this place.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    \n\n\n\n

    The night got weirder.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Jonah\u2019s TV turned on by itself<\/em> at 3:13 a.m.
    Cassie found a pamphlet titled \u201cHow to Survive Reptilian Encounters\u201d<\/em> under her pillow.
    Rico swore he saw lights in the sky\u2014and they blinked in rhythm to \u201cLunar Burn.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    And Gabriel?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Gabriel sat in bed wearing alien sunglasses, watching static and narrating his own<\/em> alien documentary:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    \n

    \u201cThis species is known for caffeine worship and poor impulse control. Observe its mating call\u2014\u201d
    chugs a soda<\/em>
    \u201c\u2014followed by ritual dancing.\u201d
    flails arms like a maniac<\/em><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

    \n\n\n\n

    The next morning, the whole crew staggered into the lobby like sleep-deprived survivors of a cosmic horror film.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Sharla greeted them with a tray of neon-green muffins.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    \u201cThey\u2019re pistachio!\u201d she chirped. \u201cProbably.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    No one ate them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Thane signed out with a snarl and a muttered, \u201cI will burn this place to the ground.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Cassie asked, \u201cAny chance we can check into a normal<\/em> hotel next time?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Mark handed her a tinfoil hat.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    \u201cDefine normal.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    The tour van rattled up the long, cracked driveway of the Outer Limits Lodge, the only available accommodations within thirty miles of the next night\u2019s Arkansas county fair gig. The sign out front\u2014half-lit, gently buzzing\u2014read: \u201cOUTER LIMITS LODGE: We Believe. AAA Discount. Weekly Rates.\u201d A glowing alien face was painted over the \u201cO\u201d in Lodge. […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[2],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-339","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-tour-life"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/threewerewolves.com\/tourblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/339","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/threewerewolves.com\/tourblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/threewerewolves.com\/tourblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/threewerewolves.com\/tourblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/threewerewolves.com\/tourblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=339"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/threewerewolves.com\/tourblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/339\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3244,"href":"https:\/\/threewerewolves.com\/tourblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/339\/revisions\/3244"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/threewerewolves.com\/tourblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=339"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/threewerewolves.com\/tourblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=339"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/threewerewolves.com\/tourblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=339"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}